starting to remember the rape. it’s not as traumatizing as realizing how much of my experience was concealed by my parents and putting into perspective why they behave the way they do.

what weirds me out is that i’ve managed to block out a huge chunk of my consciousness to protect myself. i know that isn’t anything spectacular. there’s post traumatic stress and a whole bunch of other psychotic breakdowns we hear about everyday, but to actually experience it is fucking trippy.

it also puts into perspective why was i was drawn to certain characters…like dexter or julie winters from the maxx who had some sort of version of whatever happened to me. i blocked this sort of thing so deep down into my consciousness that i projected an insensitivity toward rape/violence. i don’t know this ties into my fear of my face being touched, but my friend/hypnotherapist said it probably has to do with claustrophobia.

then again, i’m not gonna get into the psychology of this. i don’t believe that that crap helps either. you can map out my brain all you want, but the memory isn’t stored there. it’s something i need to transcend/purge, which i’m still not sure of how to do since i can’t remember a lot. or maybe that’s not even the point.

the major breakthrough is that i’ve come to understand my relationship with male attention. i was violated by a male, which in turn caused my mother to push my father from me as a means of protection (i’m guessing?). out of pattern, my dad distanced himself from me my entire life, which caused me to crave the male attention all the while confusedly fear it (because i never knew i was violated in the first place).

i can be my own therapist. i can do anything. and what i’m most proud about is that i’ll never carry this baggage into my next relationship. i’ll never use what happened to me to justify anything, esp. a victim’s mentality.